Too often we go into a conversation with a set of objectives not completely unrelated to those of Conan the Barbarian. Starting the conversation by tempering and agreeing what we could hope to get out of this conversation means that the chance of resolution is not lost from the start.

While many conversations have no obvious important purpose (for example, chatting to a neighbor over the fence), and some have an obvious important purpose (for example, giving the driver of a car directions to a new destination), difficult conversations have an important purpose that is not obvious.

Difficult conversations have three conditions, there is disagreement, the stakes are high, and emotions run strong. [Difficult Conversations, Harvard Negotiation Project].

If the participants are not careful, these conversations can become about winning an argument, venting emotion, or other things.

When Mr and Mrs Green argued, Mr Green would shout, and Mrs Green would make cutting comments. In a way they were both getting something out of the conversation - he was venting emotion, and she was winning the argument. But because it wasn’t an agreed objective that both of them wanted, the arguments kept happening.

While emotional venting, revenge, selfishness and competitiveness are all potential reasons to have a conversation, there are broader human objectives that are more likely to be shared. Psychologist Martin Seligman has showed that wellbeing has five components - positive emotion, engagement, relationships, meaning, and accomplishment. If conversations can connect to these broader objectives they are more likely to be successful.